HI.
I tend to think of myself now as before and after.I lived one way for 47 years,before Keren died and another way after Keren died.Before,I was 99/9% happy all the time,I experienced a lot of joy.I had some down times too,but I lived in the world back then where everything worked out for the best.I was proud of my 3 beautiful healthy children,had a home out in the country on 5 acres,had good friends,a good marriage have always been an attractive person and took pride in looking nice.I wasn't famous or a millionaire,but the really bad things,well they happened to other people,not me or my family.
Then Came March 18,2006.My beautiful 23 year old daughter died.My only daughter who loved me so much.Well my world was shattered.Everything I believed in and held on to was gone,just gone.I had dealt with death before.In 2001,I lost my wonderful,kind father,a man I love so much.I was sad,I grieved,but this,THIS was different.I felt like I died right along with Keren.A part of me was ripped out gone,and I couldn't make it better,i couldn't fix it,no matter how much I bargain with god to bring Keren back,just bring her back to me.
I fell into a deep deep depression,I couldn't eat,sleep or even talk,and I really wanted to die.For the first time in my life,I really wished for death,called for it.beckon it.But i couldn't do anything to myself,because I was the mom,how could I do that to my family? But I figured if I willed it enough,death would come and then i would be with Keren again.I was well on my way.Then a miracle happened,or i like to think of it as keren saving her mom.I found out a very good friend[one of my best from N.J] had lost her son Zach two months after I lost keren.I hadn't talked to Diana in 20 years,but her phone number was listed and I called her.Here was another mom,a person I used to know and love very much, and a very good mother also,lost her son.Maybe god didn't hate me.maybe bad things just happen.After that Diana and I talked to each other at least twice a day[we still do] and it really saved both Diana and I.To have someone to share with that knows,They KNOW how much it hurts ,how you don't want to go on,how all you feel is the raw loss.
So,I started thinking,if Diana and I felt this way,Other moms and dads that have lost their children feel this way too.I wanted to help stop the hurt[after all,I am a mother first]and Thur another miracle I met this wonderful woman on another grief board[Cherri] She is an artist and has red hair[just like my mom] I felt an instant bond with her,like I have known her all my life.And of course she feel the same way I do.She lost her beautiful son at 19. And Cherri wanted to open up her own grief board and ask me along with her.We both know how important it is to bond with other parents who have lost children.It is so important to share our feelings and get them out.And we talk about and share our beautiful children on here.That has helped me so much,to see all of the beautiful children on here and to hear about their likes and dislikes and how precious their lives were. So by doing this board with Cherri,I wanted to reach out and help other parents and in return you have all helped me.It is a two way street.
I still miss my Keren with all my heart.I still wish I could have her back.I still cry and get angry and shake my fists at god.But I don't want to die anymore.I want to stick around and see my 82 year old mom still paint her beautiful paintings.I want to stick around and watch my two sons become men and maybe fathers one day.I still want to see my husband smile and hear my sister Mary's voice and laugh.And I want to come here everyday and share with all of you,who are so wonderful and even though we are going Thur the worst hurt of all,we still talk and share with each other.I liked to think it is our beautiful children in the afterlife ,bringing us all together.Even after everything,we still have the capacity to love and with love,we still live.God bless you all,Love,Louise Lagerman
Louise Lagerman (Jun 27, 2008)
I tend to think of myself now as before and after.I lived one way for 47 years,before Keren died and another way after Keren died.Before,I was 99/9% happy all the time,I experienced a lot of joy.I had some down times too,but I lived in the world back then where everything worked out for the best.I was proud of my 3 beautiful healthy children,had a home out in the country on 5 acres,had good friends,a good marriage have always been an attractive person and took pride in looking nice.I wasn't famous or a millionaire,but the really bad things,well they happened to other people,not me or my family.
Then Came March 18,2006.My beautiful 23 year old daughter died.My only daughter who loved me so much.Well my world was shattered.Everything I believed in and held on to was gone,just gone.I had dealt with death before.In 2001,I lost my wonderful,kind father,a man I love so much.I was sad,I grieved,but this,THIS was different.I felt like I died right along with Keren.A part of me was ripped out gone,and I couldn't make it better,i couldn't fix it,no matter how much I bargain with god to bring Keren back,just bring her back to me.
I fell into a deep deep depression,I couldn't eat,sleep or even talk,and I really wanted to die.For the first time in my life,I really wished for death,called for it.beckon it.But i couldn't do anything to myself,because I was the mom,how could I do that to my family? But I figured if I willed it enough,death would come and then i would be with Keren again.I was well on my way.Then a miracle happened,or i like to think of it as keren saving her mom.I found out a very good friend[one of my best from N.J] had lost her son Zach two months after I lost keren.I hadn't talked to Diana in 20 years,but her phone number was listed and I called her.Here was another mom,a person I used to know and love very much, and a very good mother also,lost her son.Maybe god didn't hate me.maybe bad things just happen.After that Diana and I talked to each other at least twice a day[we still do] and it really saved both Diana and I.To have someone to share with that knows,They KNOW how much it hurts ,how you don't want to go on,how all you feel is the raw loss.
So,I started thinking,if Diana and I felt this way,Other moms and dads that have lost their children feel this way too.I wanted to help stop the hurt[after all,I am a mother first]and Thur another miracle I met this wonderful woman on another grief board[Cherri] She is an artist and has red hair[just like my mom] I felt an instant bond with her,like I have known her all my life.And of course she feel the same way I do.She lost her beautiful son at 19. And Cherri wanted to open up her own grief board and ask me along with her.We both know how important it is to bond with other parents who have lost children.It is so important to share our feelings and get them out.And we talk about and share our beautiful children on here.That has helped me so much,to see all of the beautiful children on here and to hear about their likes and dislikes and how precious their lives were. So by doing this board with Cherri,I wanted to reach out and help other parents and in return you have all helped me.It is a two way street.
I still miss my Keren with all my heart.I still wish I could have her back.I still cry and get angry and shake my fists at god.But I don't want to die anymore.I want to stick around and see my 82 year old mom still paint her beautiful paintings.I want to stick around and watch my two sons become men and maybe fathers one day.I still want to see my husband smile and hear my sister Mary's voice and laugh.And I want to come here everyday and share with all of you,who are so wonderful and even though we are going Thur the worst hurt of all,we still talk and share with each other.I liked to think it is our beautiful children in the afterlife ,bringing us all together.Even after everything,we still have the capacity to love and with love,we still live.God bless you all,Love,Louise Lagerman